(Originally published in The Beach Reporter on 10/19/89 – Yes, for real… I haven’t changed a word; just sayin’)
I stretched and and yawned and looked out my bedroom window. It looked like it was going to be a beautiful day in the United States of Trump, the kind of day Donald himself loved.
Let me quote from The Sayings of Donald Trump (1995, Trump Publishing): “There are certain days when the sky takes on a cerulean blue, the ozone layer is in perfect alignment, and my personal astrologer calls and tells me my planets and constellations are in a favorable position. Those are the days when I know that the leveraged buyout I am attempting will work. Those are the days I live for.”
That’s the kind of day it was. HRH Trump always expresses everything so succinctly.
I glanced at my digital clock and saw that if I didn’t hustle I would be late for my job at Trump Enterprises. Actually, I work at one of the divisions of Trump Enterprises – the company used to be called TRW – but we all know who our boss is now.
As a matter of fact, today is going to be a very special day because Donald Trump himself will be visiting our division. It’s part of his “hands-on” approach to management/employee relations. Everyone marvels that he is able to visit so many of his companies himself. Unless of course you believe that weird scientific theory being spread by that underground sleazoid newspaper that Donald Trump has had himself cloned and he sends his clones out to his companies to stand in for him. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. It’s just something The Donald would do. I mean, we all want a little piece of the man who changed our lives so, so it would be the perfectly efficient thing to do. He’s not confirming or denying the reports.
I put on my jumpsuit, designed by Ivana, and get breakfast ready for my family. Things are so much easier now that nearly everything is owned by the same person. We still have a lot of choices. Donald just got rid of the bad choices – the ones that weren’t profitable for his bank account. Like Haagen Dazs ice cream. He bought the company three years ago and claimed that they weren’t profitable enough because they used ingredients that were too rich. “People won’t know the difference,” he claimed. “Let them eat low butterfat.” He switched over to milk by-products instead of real cream, thus putting thousands of angry cows out of a job. But Donald is nothing is not empathetic to his underlings, so he sent those cows to Atlantic City, where they are now part of the act at Trump Casino.
I would kill for a pint of the old Haagen Dazs, though. I can tell the difference. But don’t tell anyone I complained. I am grateful for all he has done. Really. As I was discussing with my husband the other night as we watched the number one television game show, Trump Card: “You know,” I said, “if Donald hadn’t come along and rescued the country from the Japanese, we might be eating sushi every night for dinner.”
Our children were studying that very part of history at their Trump Enterprises School and Day Care Center. (Donald had offered to take over the school system from the government and the government had gladly let him. After all, our school system was one of our least efficient and least cost-effective programs.)
Anyway, my daughter had come home from school and asked me about T-Day. That was the day when American citizens woke up and found out that indeed, the thing they had feared the most (and done nothing about) had happened. It was revealed on Wall Street that day that Japanese investors owned more than 50 percent of the Fortune 500 companies in the U. S. That was the momentous day when Trump stepped in. Like a heroic free-enterprise knight in shining armor, he came forth with billions of dollars that he had been saving for a rainy day and bought everything back.
“And is that when we changed from the United States of America to the United States of Trump?” she asked innocently. Yes, I told her. We had done it as a tribute to the man. He was our idol. He had money beyond imagination, a stunning wife (you wouldn’t find Ivana being tossed out on her ear and replaced with a new corporate wife) and yet he was one of us. He always claims he’s not in it for the money, but as a way to keep score. We loved his slogan, “The real excitement is in playing the game,” as if life were one big Monopoly game. The only trouble was, he owned all the property and I kept landing on Boardwalk with three hotels.
I kissed my husband goodbye and sent him off to work in his Deluxe Trump Touring Car at his division of Trump Enterprises (it used to be called Xerox). He asked me if I would stop and get his shirts on my way home at the Trump Dry Cleaning Center because he had to fly up to San Francisco on the Trump Shuttle, and he would be late. I got the kids together and loaded them in my Trump Family Wagon with the wood on the sides. At least some things never change.