Humor

Going For the Burn

Kathy StevensonLeave a comment

(One of my columns from The Beach Reporter 10/22/92. Still going to classes 25 years later!)

The other day I was quivering and sweating through a new class at the health club called “sculpt and abs,” and it dawned on me: I was there voluntarily, of my own free will. In fact, I was actually paying a monthly fee for this torture. Wouldn’t I rather be eating pastries?

Your mind starts doing weird things when you are on your 5,000th stomach crunch. You start thinking about how nice it would be to just settle comfortably and plumply into middle age. You realize you are fighting a losing battle with gravity. You would kill for an apple fritter.

People used to be able to age gracefully. Now there are white-haired women in my exercise classes and on the Stairmaster – on level ten, no less. Whatever happened to soft, cushiony grandmas with bosoms the size of a shelf?

Now they are all in exercise classes. They wear bright pink or purple leotards and tights. They are not baking pies or knitting in their rocking chairs. They are making the rest of us look bad. Continue reading →

Conduct Unbecoming in a Movie Theater

Kathy StevensonLeave a comment

(My newspaper column from The Beach Reporter 4/15/93.)

I have an idea for theater owners that might make life more pleasant for the average moviegoer and bring more patrons in. I think theater owners should hang a poster in their lobbies that lists acceptable conduct for moviegoers, similar to rules of conduct at swimming pools.

These rules of conduct would be for those people who view the theater as an extension of their family room, doing everything in the theater that they would do at home. They bring babies,they get in and out of their seats every ten minutes, they talk through the movie, etc.

When I have paid a small fortune for tickets and a babysitter, I do not need this aggravation. I could stay in my own family room, and get aggravated for free. Continue reading →

TV-Free: One Week Was All We Could Stand

Kathy StevensonLeave a comment

(First published in The Beach Reporter on 5/21/92.)

The notice they sent home seemed benign enough. My children’s school was going to go “TV-free” for one week, and children and parents were invited to sign up. No pressure, though. If you didn’t do it, they would probably just post your family’s name in big scarlet letters on the playground fence, or assign your kid to be lunch monitor for the next year.

So, naturally, we signed up.

The first part of TV-free week was a questionnaire to be filed out by the student. (With the parent making sure the questions were answered “correctly.”)

The first questions were simple enough. How much TV do you watch each day? Do you do other things (like homework) while watching TV? Then the two clinchers: Would you rather spend time with your family or watch TV? And, would you rather give up TV for a week or your best friend? (What if your TV is your best friend, I ask you.) Continue reading →

Too Many Choices Can Boggle the Mind

Kathy StevensonLeave a comment

(Published in The Beach Reporter 9/8/1989).

George Moore, a popular European playwright in the early 1900s, must have foreseen the future when he wrote the words, “The difficulty in life is the choice.” I don’t know how it happened, but suddenly it seems that I am faced with a multitude of choices for even my smallest decisions.

A simple trip to the grocery store can become a stressful experience if you don’t have your wits about you. Let’s say you want a six-pack of cola. You need to decide the following things first: Do you want sugar-free/no caffeine, regular/no caffeine or do you live on the edge and go for the regular stuff with both sugar and caffeine? Classic or new? Cherry or plain?

I find myself standing there in a trance in the grocery aisle, pondering all these variables as though I am making a life-altering decision. Continue reading →