Humor

Real Women Don’t Get Sick

Kathy StevensonLeave a comment

(Originally appeared in The Beach Reporter on 1/12/90)

It starts with that achy feeling. Your throat is a little scratchy and the place behind your eyeballs starts to burn. By the time you’re cooking dinner, even your hair and fingernails hurt. You just want to lie down for about twelve years.

You lie down on the couch with a pillow over your head because the light hurts, while everyone eats dinner and ignores you. You wish someone would offer to make you some chicken soup.

You take a long moment to feel sorry for yourself. When your spouse is sick, he can call in sick. When you are a mom, even a mom who works outside the home, you can’t call in sick. Who ya gonna call? “Hi. Not feeling well. Can someone cover for me today? I’ve got carpool this morning, a dentist appointment for one kid, ballet for the other, a meeting at school, a deadline to meet for my job, and I promised I’d make two dozen heart-shaped cookies for my daughter’s class tomorrow. Oh, I’m also supposed to pick up the dry cleaning, the library books are due, and we’re out of milk, bread, and cat food.” Click. Continue reading →

A Guide to Neighbors You Don’t Want

Kathy StevensonLeave a comment

(Originally appeared in the Beach Reporter on 11/7/91)

My apples will never get across/ And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him/ He only says, “Good fences make good neighbors.” (Robert Frost, 1914)

You can choose your friends, but more often than not you can’t choose your neighbors. Before you purchase a home, you can walk up and down the block and take note of any obvious problems that might signal neighbors who might not be compatible with your lifestyle.

For example, if there is a teenage heavy metal band practicing in the garage next door and you work the swing shift, you might want to consider a home on the next block. Or if you’re a young urban professional and you notice by peeking over the fence that there are several roosters, a pig, and a Snap-On Tool truck parked in the driveway, you might want to reconsider.

Usually it is the house we fall in love with, or the price or location, so we don’t always think about incidentals like neighbors. But after living in a variety of neighborhoods over the years, I find there are certain types of neighbors you might not want, no matter how carefree and flexible a personality you have: Continue reading →

Swimsuit Season: Part One

Kathy StevensonLeave a comment

(Originally published in The Beach Reporter when I wrote a column there in the 90s)

First the good news. Spring break and then summer are arriving. Time for weekends at the beach and poolside vacations with the family, sunshine and a slower pace to life. Now the bad news. The fashion industry still hasn’t invented a swimsuit that can make a molehill out of a mountain.

I count every year after thirty as the gradual downhill slide into middle age. Up until then, everything is tight and firm, and nothing jiggles when you walk. Then the law of gravity goes into effect. The REAL law of gravity, as it applies to bodies in bathing suits: for every year after thirty, gravity exerts a downward force equal to the weight of the person in the bathing suit. Continue reading →

Books Go Better With…

Kathy StevensonLeave a comment

( I published this on a blog I had a while back…)

A recent book review in the Philadelphia Inquirer pointed out the rather insidious use of product placement in the young adult novel Cathy’s Book. In this case Cover Girl cosmetics (owned by Procter & Gamble) get mentioned as part of the story, causing the nonprofit group Commercial Alert to point out the use of shady product placement. A stroll through the children’s department of your local bookstore might also have you wondering. Here you might see The Cheerios Play Book, The M & M’s Brand Counting Book and The Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Fun Book. 

The latest entry into this slightly disturbing trend of product crossover is another children’s book Cashmere If You Can, a children’s picture book about some cute little goats who just happen to live on the roof of the Saks Fifth Avenue flagship store. This concept of product branding crossed with literature is not limited to children’s books – in 2001 Fay Weldon’s novel The Bulgari Connection caused the literary world to collectively pucker its lips in disapproval.

This trend of tying commercial products with literary works seems likely to continue, so to that end I am happy to suggest here a possible list of book/product tie-ins that might work well. (Note: if any companies wish to use these, please notify my desired corporate sponsor, Godiva Chocolate.) Continue reading →