The Real Differences Between Men and Women

(Originally published as a column in The Beach Reporter.)

There is one thing that has always bothered me about the movement for equality of the sexes. It amazes me that people think that men and women are basically the same creatures, and that we should keep striving for a sort of unisex utopia.

I applaud the gains women have achieved as a result of the women’s movement. I’m happy that men are more involved with their families, and are encouraged to open up more emotionally. It’s wonderful that men and women can exchange some of their best traits, hopefully becoming more well-rounded, fulfilled individuals.

But the basic fact is that men and women ARE different. There are certain traits common to each sex that have been genetically predetermined, and no political or social force is likely to change this.
…..Men hate to put nails in the wall. Any wall, except the garage. After all, you might move someday! Haven’t they ever heard of spackle and paint? Every time I hammer a nail (even a tiny one) to hang up some cute knick-knack, I may as well be driving a stake through my husband’s heart. I usually lie and tell him there was a hole there already. He knows I’m lying, but it makes him feel better.
…..Men hate to shop. There may be a few exceptions to this, as with every rule, but men do not get sweaty palms and heart palpitations when they arrive at the Nordstrom semi-annual sale.
…..They will also not hit twelve discount toy stores in the same day trying to find the best price on a Cabbage Patch doll.
…..Men do not clip coupons. It is simply not in their genes. The only instances of male coupon-clipping that I have seen are among retired gentlemen who have been married to a coupon-clipping spouse for more than thirty years.
…..Leaving black hairs and toothpaste blobs all over the sink and bathroom counter are nothing to the average male. The same applies to wet towels on beds, and dirty socks scattered about the house.
…..A woman will sit in a hairdresser’s chair for three hours with 48 strips of aluminum foil radiating out from her scalp, and endure eye-burning fumes from a concoction designed to give her great hair. A man will not.
…..A man doesn’t understand the logic of, “I’m starting a diet tomorrow, so that means I should eat everything I want today.”
…..Women still do not want to take the garbage out.
…..I have never known a man who had a Tupperware party. Or even went to one.
…..Men do not think it is their responsibility to make ice cubes, or replace the toilet paper on its holder.
…..Men do not have to go to the restroom together, when out socially.
…..Men do not say things like, “I love your hair – did you get it cut differently?” Or “Is that a new outfit?”
…..If you send a man to the grocery store he will come back with weird items like a wheel of Brie, pimiento-stuffed cocktail olives, smoked oysters, the expensive brand of orange juice – and then complain how overpriced food is.
…..Men generally don’t attend baby or bridal showers, and play those cute party games. Couples showers are getting more popular, but they are really quite boring compared to all-women showers.
…Men don’t spend December 23rd of each year making ten pounds of fudge, a dozen mini-pumpkin breads, and four batches of sugar cookies with red and green sprinkles..

I personally think these differences are too ingrained in our psyches to ever really change. But maybe we can borrow a little from each other’s best traits, and celebrate the differences that provide the electricity and friction between a man and a woman. Vive le Difference!

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