With Heartfelt Apologies to Tina Fey

(Remember Sarah Palin? In October, 2008 I published this essay “in Sarah’s own voice” in Main Line Life newspaper. Like yesterday’s posted essay, this one still seems oddly current. And who knows, maybe Sarah is still waiting in the wings…)

Alrighty, folks… We have just a couple a short weeks ‘til Election Day. That greatest of American traditions in this great country of ours that I so love. The country of which I so want to be your President-in-waiting. So, so much do I want that.

And from my mouth to God’s ear, I would not want such a terrible occurrence to occur, but if the terrible thing did happen (wink, wink) and I was called up by a higher power to be your Commander-in-Chief, I want to tell you that I am ready. I am more than ready. I’m chompin’ at the bit. I am hotter for attention than a tick on a moose. Oh, gosh, you know what I mean. Don’tcha?

Well, as Todd and I always say, “God is not only great, but He has a sense of humor.” Cuz look at us! Just a couple a months ago I was at a PTA meeting, or maybe it was a soccer game, somethin’ for Trick or Track or one of the others, I know that much. And I said to Todd, “Doggone it, 1st Dude, honey, I wish there was a way to bring our small town core values to the rest of our Great Country.” 1st Dude is my nickname for him, ya know. Cuz we are just down-to-earth folks like you all. With nicknames and such, like small town people do. Cuz we are so more real with real values.

And then, just like that, as so often happens when given a challenge, God gave us the opportunity to share those beliefs. That’s just how He works, and I put my faith in Him, unlike our opponent, who I’ve heard isn’t a real Christian (wink, wink). I know I’m not supposed to say that, but when these values that I hold so dear to my heart are challenged by your liberal left-wing media, what’s a red-white-and blue hockey mom to do but put on her lipstick and gloves?

Our opponent will tell you that he is ready to lead. But do we really know anything about him? Yes, he has been in the public eye for the past sixteen months, every single waking breath scrutinized by that same so-called unbiased media. So what if he’s been in two thousand debates and been on every magazine cover and given all those speeches. I’m just sayin’.

Our opponent would have you believe that just because he went to some fancy school and has a fancy-schmancy law degree, that he is better than us. Well I just have one thing to say to that – community activist. What’s that all about anyway? Sounds a little bit suspicious to me. That kind of community activist thing is a heck of a lot easier life experience than shootin’ elk from a helicopter in the middle of an Alaskan snowstorm. You betcha.

And the people he canoodled with. I tell ya. Did you ever see that movie where some guy gets set up by terrorists to be the President? Well, far be it for me to say, but I’m sayin’ I’m not sure those are the core values we want for this great country of ours. If you know what I mean (wink, wink).

Me and my runnin’ mate are so all about puttin’ this country first. As in it is the Number One thing in our hearts, well, next to God. And speakin’ of Him, I do know somethin’ about the Supreme Court, unlike little Miss Smarty Pants Katie Couric thinks. And I will listen to Him whenever I have to make a decision about that very important branch of our great government. Todd will advise me too, as he has done all during my term as Governor of the great state of Alaska, a state which Todd loves so much, he wanted it to be its own country! Now that is true patriotic love.

Well, in closing all I have to say is, “Drill, baby, drill.” Just kiddin’ (wink, wink). I hope all you Average Joes and Joe Sixpacks who shop at the WalMart like I do, proving that you are true blue Americans, and not corrupt Chicago so-called community organizers, or that other Joe who I’m runnin’ against, don’t even get me started – will, I only hope, hop right on board the Straight Talk Express with us. Cuz, as my boss says, even though you’ve never engineered a train, doesn’t mean you can’t drive one. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a wedding to go to (wink, wink).

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