(This humor essay is original to my website today. It was inspired by the over-the-top ads for luxury apartments in the Sunday NY Times magazine.)
Welcome to luxury living at its best. The residences at The Summit will soon be considered the city’s preeminent private address. We, the discriminating staff at these soon-to-be-completed premier estate apartments, have anticipated your every need, desire, and even whim. What is an estate apartment? you might ask. Well, we at The Summit have combined the finest elements of estate living with the convenience of the apartment lifestyle and blended them into one superlative living experience.
We know you are a rare and exceptional individual with a family unit that is as extraordinary and gifted as you are. And we wish to make your life simpler and even more perfect than it already is. Perfection is our middle name!
Each family will be assigned their own full-time personal lifestyle consultant who will oversee the domestic staff and see to those annoying details in life that can be so aggravating. Never again will you have to re-set your clocks for daylight savings time, order and then wait around for takeout, haggle over a red wine stain the dry cleaner missed on your favorite cashmere sweater, find the right feng sui consultant, or wonder how all your various remote controls work. We realize that you have more important things to do – after all you are an accomplished, superior person.
In addition to your lifestyle consultant (on call 24/7), your family will also have a concierge. Ho, hum, you might say. Doesn’t every luxury lifestyle residence offer concierge service? Yes, but your concierge will have his or her own concierge. And again, they will both be on call every waking, and even sleeping moment. It’s the least we can do.
Ah, the children. We love them also, but we at The Summit realize the special challenges, dare we say inconveniences, these dear little people present in our feverishly hectic social and professional lives. To that end we will assign each family unit their very own headmaster. Trained in the manner of those esteemed educators of the mother country (think Mr. or Ms. Chips), and schooled in the prestigious Ivies, these professional scholars will guide your little ones through the complexities of the private school network, beginning at birth with those all-important nursery school applications. As your child grows, duties might include (but are not limited to) scouting out and vetting suitable play dates, hiring the most up-to-the moment birthday party entertainments, arranging private SAT tutoring, finding the best private coach for your child’s sport of choice, and providing a plethora of original ideas and strategies for the college application essay.
Our focus at The Summit, as you can tell, is on the personal. That is why we have mentioned family first. We realize, though, that the discriminating individual such as yourself will also demand (and deserve) peerless surroundings and superior accoutrements. And you may rest assured that every detail has been painstakingly planned by our celebrated team of architectural and living space designers.
Exquisite city and water views will be yours to delight in, as The Summit Corporation has bought up the surrounding neighborhoods on all sides, and razed them. This will ensure extraordinary vistas, and also cut down on some of the less desirable elements of urban living – namely, other people.
Our discriminating design consultants have plundered the continent (that other continent) for the most spectacular and singular antique Italian marble, statuary, and Renaissance art to be used throughout your estate apartment. Each bathroom will be designed as an oasis, modeled after the finest European spas. Showers will have sixteen shower heads, each with their own thermostat and jet settings. Floors and walls will have custom heating elements built right in, so that you will never experience a moment of chilly discomfort. We actually prefer to think of our bathrooms as Zen retreats, where the cares of the day will be washed (and loofahed) away. Your personal family masseuse/spa professional will take care of all the details so that you can just enjoy!
The kitchen… Hopefully you’ll spend minimal time there, but if you do wander in, rest assured every appliance will be top-of-the-line. Viking, schmiking – we take you to the next level. And we have a full culinary staff on hand for your personal use, all trained extensively by Jean- Georges himself (who else?)
We could go on – each residence will of course have a private elevator and doorman, a bank vault, and its own ATM machine discreetly built right into the master bedroom suite entertainment center. We could brag about the below-ground putting greens, water park, yoga center, and dog-walking paths. But we’re sure you will want to see for yourself. Just call one of our real estate specialists today for an appointment, and become part of the grand legend of The Summit.
It’s what you deserve.